People who Exercise Win More Lotteries

I guess you have read about the tremendous impacts that exercise has on people. Its beneficial effects include making you live longer, experiencing much better health including less disease and reducing your chances of getting Alzheimer’s.  Research shows that it even makes your brain bigger through growth of new neurons, and actually improves your cognitive capacity and mental performance.

Of course, like any particular goody, there are some caveats. For starters, it can’t be wussy exercise like yoga, indoor rock-climbing or walking your cat. It’s gotta be red-meat stuff that gets your heart beating fast like running, weight-lifting or UFC. So no real short-cuts here folks. No pain no gain.

I follow this research pretty closely since I have an interest in the lengths to which people will go to improve their lives and looks. So I thought I would do a short update here on some of the emerging research on exercise that will provide you with an even higher level of motivation than you might already have because of the new benefits we are seeing which were hitherto totally unsuspected.

For example this research, when it is finally published, will show that if you exercise, your kids will marry more successful people. For example your daughter will marry an NBA player and your son will likely marry a supermodel from the Ukraine. The researchers put this down to higher sperm and egg quality in parents who exercise that leads to better quality offspring and thus better quality romantic partners.

In fact this research also shows that if you start running ultras (as in marathons), your son will almost certainly start a successful company in Silicon Valley that will go public for billions, end up buying a spectacular Pacific Island to share with his ex-supermodel wife, and will make you the sole beneficiary of his will. So it’s clear that even more running will maximize the huge potential from truly heroic exercise that goes beyond the call of duty.

Nor does it end there. Research shows that if you exercise, the telomeres at the end of your chromosomes, instead of getting shorter as you age will actually get longer so that you will live much longer, even 200 years plus. In addition (yep, there’s even more) when you die, you will still have skin like a baby or like you used Botox for all 200 years. So the benefits of exercise extend to the cellular level too. Truly amazing.

Even that isn’t the end of it. The impressive cognitive improvement that results from exercise means that you can solve problems previously not even solvable by a quantum computer. Recent research with a particularly gifted 93 year old man who does an ultra every week looked at the question of whether the answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was correct. You might recall that its solution was 42. This ultra-brainy runner was able to show that this was wrong and that the answer was actually 43. Another amazing accomplishment just from merely using the legs that God gave you.

And if you are a leader or want to be a famous one, exercise is a powerful driver too. Exercise can help you become the leader of the free world! For clear evidence, just look at Bill Clinton, Tony Blair and, well, George W. Bush, in those famous photos showing them running with their Secret Service shadows. The reason that ObamaCare has been a bust is that Obama wouldn’t take advice from GW Bush to run regularly (he sensibly rejects any advice from GW as we all know) and instead went for that wussy option, golf. You reap what you sow.

And finally, this research has just thrown up yet another mind-boggling finding. The researchers from a prestigious, East Coast university that at this stage wishes to remain anonymous while it patents its results and sets up a company to exploit them for truly personal gain, shows that people who exercise obsessively actually win more lotteries than other people.

These brilliant researchers were granted access to the NSA’s databases which includes a file containing the exercise habits of all US citizens and residents (legal or otherwise) for the past 20 years (The NSA has a totally legitimate reason to keep this, to wit, fit people can better fight terrorists. Most people don’t know that the NSA is so interested in fitness, but it even publishes this fact on the web). The researchers also  gained access to its database of lottery winners, a totally unexpected but serendipitous find that enabled the research to be conducted so exhaustively. They matched this data with social media data from Facebook and Google (we felt it prudent not to ask how they obtained this) so we can be totally confident in their results.

The researchers were able to demonstrate conclusively that massive cognitive improvement from regular exercise enabled repeat winners of lotteries to mentally calculate, with an astoundingly high level of accuracy, the odds of winning based on factors like ticket outlet, time of day, and other factors that the researchers prefer to keep secret. These calculations enabled these super-runners to win the lottery at a vastly higher rate than normal people who didn’t exercise or who (even worse) just played golf.

You can see where this is all going. The benefits of exercise include eternal life, having ultra-successful kids and making a mint of money for you and yours. The researchers are thus highly confident that in future, all resistance to doing any form of exercise in our mainly sedentary population will totally disappear. They expect that everyone, no matter their age, physical and mental status, will start vigorously exercising once they read the phenomenal results of these latest studies.

I am happy to have been able to act as the humble carrier of a message that I know will immeasurably improve the lives of the readers of my blog posts.

If you have any other amazing results from exercise research, please get them to me as soon as possible so I can add them to this growing compendium to share with the readers of this blog.

Note: The author runs about 35 miles a week.