Self-Driving Hoverboard Flash Mobs are the Next Big Thing!

I guess you’ve seen all these new-fangled hoverboards? Clearly a totally new and superior form of transportation. As usual the powers-that-be are trying to shut them down. Like planes banning them coz their batteries may catch fire. What a bunch of sissy-poos.

I mean think of all the new stuff you can do with them. Walking – oops – hoverboarding in the park (all walking and hiking paths will, of course, now have to be hoverboard-ready). Hoverboarding the Appalachian trail anyone? How about hoverboard sports – hoverboard football, basketball, yoga definitely.

Hoverboarding at the Olympics? So nice that those brutal, boorish skateboards will go the way of the dodo – maybe even banned, dare we hope?

Naturally pretty soon hoverboards will become self-driving, sorry, “autonomous” is the “mot juste” now I think. At a stroke this will halt car-borne pollution and heavy traffic in their anti-social tracks. Instead it will be replaced by groups of hoverboarders driving in formation controlled by Big Green Brother. Members of these formations will of course be called hover-groupies. This will mean the end of cars and polluted cities like Beijing and Paris and of course Zurich.

This will indubitably lead to new forms of human society and association. Think gaggles, as in geese. There could be gaggles for city hoverboarding tours, for police and military patrols, for kids being hoverboarded around schools. In principle any type of human group can be gaggled. Music bands, bird watchers, cheerleaders. You get the idea.

Gaggles will also go on-demand, just like flash-mobs. Flash-mobs on hoverboards are so much more efficient. Shut out the riff-raff, huge social progress.

Think of a hoverboarded flash mob of Trump supporters. Amazing political advance for countries with “advanced democratic” systems! Who needs voting when you have electronic gaggles? I predict hover-voting will be a huge thing in Russia when they can’t sell any more oil (next year).

Ultimately though, everything we do is about sex and dating. Here hoverboards will be in their element.

Naturally there will be new dating sites for hoverboarders. There they can compare and contrast. Whose is bigger? What about the color of your’s? How fast are you?

And dating will be on, by and for hoverboards. Immediately you see the other person’s hoverboard you will know on the spot if they are Mr. Right or Miss Wrong. Matching by hoverboard is probably going to be much more successful than traditional matching (It can’t be any worse anyhows). And in future you will swipe left or right after seeing the hoverboard, not the person. I am sure that will be a lot superior to the antediluvian methods we use now.

There are, of course, some minor downsides to hoverboards, but doesn’t even Heaven have a downside? Like maybe humans will lose the capability and strength to walk, just like we saw in the totally uplifting movie WALL-E. But that can always be fixed by even more hoverboards, or exoskeletons, so who’s complaining? Anyway teleportation isn’t too far off – check out “Star Trek” – so that non-problem will be fixed one way or the other.

And yes, maybe there’s going to be a bit – well, ok, a lot – more obesity. But that doesn’t matter if you have heavy-duty hoverboards coupled with exoskeletons. Bones are so outdated anyway. And pretty soon we’ll have pills for obesity (and for living longer and even more unhealthy lives). So that’s covered too.

Hmmm, there is the concussion issue though, didn’t think of that one. No problem though. We can just put the experts from the NFL on staff. They’ll know what to do about it, just look at how effective they’ve been so far about both preventing concussion and shutting up intemperate critics such as Bennet Omalu, who had the temerity to first discover and then publicize this trifling problem.

I think that we have just entered a new geological era, which will soon come to be called the “Hoverboard Extinction”. It will be on the same scale as the Jurassic or the Cambrian, it’s that important. Just remember we called it here first.

Maybe there’s a couple of Unicorn IPOs here too?