Will climate change cure baldness?

Yep I know that I’m raising yet another hair-(sorry) brained idea, but consider it wishful thinking on the part of a hair-deficient yet hopeful male (viz. me). My idea is that climate change will make males like me hairier. That’s why so many males don’t care about – indeed heartily wish for – climate change; the more the merrier.

What evidence, you might dare to ask? Well it seems that plant growth will actually accelerate with climate change; there’s a well-known effect that plants add more biomass as temperatures rise. But what does that have to do with human hair, you might ask?

Well here’s the skinny. Human hair (and fingernails) grow faster in summer. Seems like it’s an effect from higher production of vitamin D due to higher exposure to sunlight and increased blood flow to the scalp during warmer weather. Actually your hair grows about 10% faster in summer than in winter. Oh yes, these figures come from the National Institutes of Health, so don’t blame the messenger.

So now you know why Brazilian body waxes arose. Coz it’s hot in those climes, and it affects all the hair on your body, bottom as well as top.

Now this is great news for companies that sell hair care products. They’re going to sell a lot more shampoo because there will be more hair to wash. Hair salons will hit the jackpot with climate change, so none of them are gonna wanna stop it. I’m sure my barber will love it, coz she will earn more sales from my increased tonsure than she gets now.

And that’s not all. Bikini waxes are going to going to cost more coz there will be much more to do. Hair coloring will sell in droves because there will be a lot more hair to color.

And folks, that’s not even the start of it. I’ve just been talking about humans here! What about the fur on dogs, cats and other pets, like tigers, lions and rabbits? Pet-icures are going to multiply. New types of peticure professionals are going to be needed for things like cutting, shampooing and otherwise coddling the hair of pets. We’re talking about the next mega-industry! One that will make tech and Uber look like mere commercial minnows!

And even that’s not the end of it. What about wild animals? Maybe we won’t cut their hair in the wild but what about zoos. How about that Egyptian donkey that was painted as a zebra at a zoo in Cairo? Think of the cost to do up its painted locks? That’s going to come at a premium in Egyptian pounds, you can bet.

Of course some companies will suffer a little. Those selling hair weaves (like the one that a particular US President has been known to sport) will suffer as natural-grown hair is going to be far superior. Companies working on drugs to cure baldness will not be so popular, maybe good shorts for investors. It’s an ill wind etc.….

So this finding about the relationship between climate change and baldness sheds light on a number of things. For a start, why is it that it’s mostly men who don’t fear climate change as much as women? Because men have already figured out that they are more likely to get their locks back of course! Women fear climate change more than men because their bald mates will now have luscious heads of hair and will be more likely to stray. Got it?

And why is it that the people at the summit of power in the US don’t believe in climate change? Because many of them are bald of course, including the biggest one of all whose hair, or lack thereof, has been a continuing source of press discussion. Of course the Man wants to get his hair back; confronting climate change is the mortal enemy of his hair; Melania won’t give him any of her gorgeous tresses.

Could it be that the biggest impact of climate change has been missed by all those eminent scientists out there who are too busy looking at trivial stuff like CO2 concentrations and global ocean levels to see the most important impact of all? The impact on male sexual vanity?

Just remember you read it here first…..