Alien Emails Blocked by Government Cybersecurity!

Did you notice that Russian entrepreneur Yuri Milner just joined up with pop icon Stephen Hawking to make a $100 million donation to SETI – search for extraterrestrial intelligence? As you probably know that search has, so far, used big telescopes. They are hugely expensive so the SETI guys don’t get to use them much. The gift will allow them to have significantly expanded use of these eyes in the sky.

I have a theory about extraterrestrials though. I figure that they know it’s really expensive for human SETI scientists to use these big telescopes. As these aliens are pretty smart I would bet that they must have figured out a way to get their messages to us in a much, much cheaper way.

My bet is that aliens are already sending us messages by email. Or messages through WeChat or WhatsApp. Why would they send us messages that only a few scientists can see when with all their smarts it would be a lot easier to send them to anyone in the world with an iPhone?

I figure we are already getting these messages via Gmail and the messaging apps. But in our all-too-human stupidity we confuse them with spam. I think that where you see emails with titles such as “PEEnxs enlargement 2 days” it’s really a coded message from an alien. But our spam filters, which are not very smart and have absolutely no cosmological vision whatsoever, just think they are about improving one’s manhood. Little do they know! In reality they are probably giving us the coordinates of their planet plus the distance to the nearest wormhole.

So yours truly thinks that Yuri Milner is a great guy but he’s really off the mark. He should have given his money to kids who we pay peanuts to, to search the trillions of messages that we currently think are spam emails. Or it should go to Big Data types who can find the tell-tale patterns in these troves of “spam” emails to find the juicy ones that give us the skinny on how to get an audience with ET.

I also think a smart alien would have figured out by now that he could also use Facebook or LinkedIn to contact anyone. If we can do it, they certainly can. So I think that smart searches of these social media could also yield truly extraterrestrial dividends. In fact I think many of the apparently spurious messages from people called SXxy Laaleeta also come from ET, rather than from some sexpot in Colombia, the currently fashionable but totally inept hypothesis.

However there is a fly in this ointment. It’s all these cybersecurity initiatives that have become so de rigeur. The combination of antivirus programs, cyber defense mechanisms and so on are actually preventing these messages from aliens from getting to us.

That’s why we aren’t seeing messages from ET! We are confusing alien messages with intrusion by Chinese hackers. In fact I think the Chinese would be well-advised to demonstrate that things like the OPM Federal Office of Personnel Management) hack were clearly of alien origin. After all, were there any Chinese characters in the message? And if there were, wouldn’t you expect aliens to have mastered Mandarin anyway? I think the Chinese should make it clear that they’ve been framed, by aliens. I am sure most fair-minded people would totally agree.

I have an even deeper theory. You probably know that our government masters want software companies to insert backdoors into their software so that they (the Feds) can get in and see what’s really going on. That way they can protect us from terrorists, Ukrainian hackers and conservatives

But I think that this is really a cover story. I think the real story is that the government has realized that cyber defenses are preventing the aliens who are in favor of liberal democracy from contacting us and want these backdoors so that these potential alien allies can get in too. Makes sense right? The aliens might be useful allies in the forthcoming world war in space and it would pay to sign them up early, before the Russians or ISIS get to them.

OK so this forces me to reveal an even deeper theory, no, actually a finding. I think the NSA is actually, right now as we speak, talking to aliens that they have identified coming through these backdoors using secret techniques learned from stopping illegals crossing the Mexican border. But they can’t tell us otherwise the Russians will find out what’s going on and will want in on the act. We can’t have that obviously.

I think that’s why Julian Assange is holed up in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. He knows all of this because of his encyclopedic knowledge of what is in WikiLeaks. If we let him out he will tell all. What’s worse he will tell the Swedes. Then it’s all over coz the Russians will then find out from their submarines in the Swedish fjords (assuming the Swedes have them, of course).

That could destroy 50 years of work bringing about nuclear nonproliferation. After all, if you don’t get the aliens on your side, you are going to need a lot more bombs. Hence the current Russian effort to get ahead while there's still time.

So this is what I am really trying to say. The real backstory here is the Iranian deal. The Iranians have cottoned on to us getting near to a deal with the aliens and want to get the bomb before we sign up with them. That’s why the Feds have got all these secret deals with the Iranians. These secret agreements (“annexes” to those in the know) assure the Iranians that the US won’t sign a deal with the aliens unless the Iranians produce a bomb. The Feds aren’t stupid, you know. But you gotta keep all this stuff secret, otherwise Donald Trump will blow the whistle.

And, here’s a shocker. The “Great Satan” doesn’t refer to the US. It refers to the aliens! These Iranians are diabolically (pun intended) clever.

Remember you read it here first.